Family

With you through the thick and thin?
Even if there's more bad than good?
Who really knows?

Supergirl

I'm tired of being supergirl.
Strong.
There for everyone.
Unbreakable.

Well, I'm broken. Scared. And afraid. And who do I have to run to? Nobody. You may ask, "Why is this?" Because I've made it this way. I've built up so many walls that even I can't tear them down. And when I try, I fall apart.

The worst part is, it isn't even my fault that I'm this way. I try and try and try to defeat who I've become, destroy who they made me be. But I can't.

I don't even know why I wrote this. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. I guess I just needed to feel like I was spilling my guts to somebody.

Leaving

So, for lack of a better title, I decided to go with the simple and straightforward. I guess you could call this piece a spoken word. Call it what you may, here it is.

Could I go?
I've done it before.
This pattern of leaving is nothing new.
I really should leave.
Keep the flow; don't prolong the inevitable.
But his voice, so sweet
Begging, "Baby please don't go. If I wake up tomorrow will you still be here?"
Will I?
I could be gone, out of here, with no trace but memories in two days flat.
Yet he still pleads, "Let's get out of this town tonight."
It's the "let's" again.
But. Isn't he part of why I need to go?
I know better.
I've learned this lesson.
You can't get attached, because as soon as you do, it will be yanked from your grasp.
So why am I letting myself fall?
And even worse, head over heels.
"Should've known better than that."
I did know better. I do know better.
So why did I let myself slip?
Why did I let myself love?
I'm supposed to be, no, to survive, I have to "be so heartless."
Even though, deep down, where in secret I let myself feel, my greatest weakness of all,
I'm.
Hurt.
I'm.
Sad.
And I...
Cry.

Flashback

So today, for some reason I've been thinking about the past. Not the past as in a few years ago, but all the way back to those innocent years. And to think about it, I had a fairly uneventful childhood, aside from moving around a bit.
Most of my childhood memories somehow involve my little brother. I guess that's how it's supposed to work with siblings. Partners in crime and all that. I remember playing in a mud hole around the back of the house, being told not to do it again because it got mud on the house, then doing it again and almost getting spanked for it. I remember him falling out his window (thankfully it was a one-story house), burning his leg on the recently used lawn mower, and begging for a puppy every day until he finally got one. I remember a lot, yet at the same time, so little. Sometimes I wish I could go back and visit a day or two of my childhood and be reminded of those innocent, fun days.
Sorry for those of you who got caught up in my little trip down memory lane, but hey, this is my blog and I can put whatever I want on here. So if you don't like it, don't read it. But props for those who do(:

Are you Thankful?

It's that time of year again. The turkey, the fall colors, the feel that Christmas is right around the corner. Yep, thanksgiving is this week.
I guess it's been on my mind a lot this week, but I've been thinking about what I'm thankful for. So instead of making a wish list, I'm going to make a list of things I'm thankful for and why I'm thankful for them. It's a goal to be less self-centered and to be more oriented on how much I have and how much I can give.
So here's my list:

-God: For giving me the life that I have and so much more.
-My family: Being there for me and providing for me through thick and thin.
-My friends: What can I say? You guys are amazing.
-My house: It may not be a mansion, but it's enough for me.
-School: I'm given the opportunity for a free education.
-A Job: It may not be fun, but it helps.
-My Health: I'm still alive and moving, which I am incredibly thankful for.
-My Church: I love the people there and what they mean to me.
-Freedom: Most people don't fully grasp how much we're given with that.
-Traveling: I may not have seen all that I want to, but I've gotten to do some cool stuff.

So that's only ten things. Yes, I could have a lot more, and yes, I could go into specifics, but I think that will suffice for now.
From, My State of Mind

Trouble, Trouble, Trouble

Sometimes I ask for it.
Sometimes I look for it.
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes, I think I thrive off of it.

I'm not sure how this happened.
I'm not sure where it's going.
I'm not sure, no, I'm not sure, if I want it to go away.

I think that I want it to stay awhile.
I think I want to explore my options.
I think, yes, I think, I'll keep it going for awhile.

I know this could end badly.
I know someone could get hurt.
I know, yep, I know, I want to get a reaction.

From the State of Mind...

What do you do when the thing that you want most is the one thing that you have avoided your entire life because you know it's only going to get you hurt. ...Or will it?

Lack of Muse

So I know that I haven't been keeping up with blogging like I should. But when the level of exhaustion kicks in, my ability to reflect on all things deeper is seriously lacking. Therefore, I haven't exactly had anything to post lately. What do you do when you temporarily lose your desire to do anything but survive and sleep? That has basically been the cycle of my life lately. Survive, sleep, repeat. Not fun, but rather necessary for the time being.

Whoops

So I got busy and never did get around to my fifth self revelation. But hey, better late than never, right?

I've been exhausted lately. I feel like I'm busy all of the time, and while the business is good because it prevents my thoughts from getting the best of me, it can also be bad, because I feel kind of burnt out. It's quite a dilemma. In part, this is not only because I'm burnt out, but because I know that I have no space in my life to add anything else. And at the risk of making some of my good friends very upset, sometimes I just need to do things for my well-being. And I hope that is understood.

Self-Revelation #4

I am addicted to Dr. Pepper.

Ah, sad but true. I don't even necessarily have one every day, but you best believe that I do everything in my power so that I do. It's just my weakness and I'm not afraid to admit it. I know it's bad for you, but hey, at least I'm not a chain smoker, right? Or a raging alcoholic, drug addict, etc. And I know you also shouldn't make excuses, and I'm not. I'm just saying that it could be worse and I could be drinking like five a day.

Alright, so not my deepest self-revelation, but not everything in life has to be deep, right?

Self-Revelation #3

I Have horrible road rage.

I mean pretty much every time I drive, there's always some idiot cutting me off, going too slow, or generally just doing something obnoxious. And I am always ready to get on their case. I mean normally in life, I'm willing to extend grace to someone for making a mistake, especially if it's unintentional. But not on the road. I just have no patience whatsoever for people doing stupid stuff. Any ideas as to why this is?

Self-Revelation #2

My life has done a 180 in the past six months.

I still look in amazement at who I am now compared to the person I was from about three years ago up until about six months ago. Compared to the mess I was back then, I've got it together now (Which I know I don't. Just in comparison). Going from a girl who had no hopes of beating out the depression, anorexia, and many other problems, to a girl who recognizes that the problems are there, but can beat them and is in the process of doing so is amazing. It's like when your parents, teacher, etc tells you that you really can achieve anything, yet you don't believe them until you actually achieve something you thought was impossible. You feel on top of the world.

So my parting thought for today is actually a quote: "Something is only impossible until it's not."

Self Revelation #1

So this week, since I'm taking the week off of Facebook, I'm going to do a daily self revelation throughout the duration of the week.

Day one: I have a tendency to be an over-achiever. I mean, I make my self a daily agenda of what homework needs to be done, have a chart for something in my room that needs to be cleaned every day of the week, and can pretty much get nothing done unless it is perfectly organized. I guess that means I'm a bit of a perfectionist as well. I never want to settle for average. So my reflection/question from today's revelation is: Is this something that is good, bad, or a little of both?

Choices

There are so many choices in this life. An infinity of directions in which you may choose to pursue. And just one choice can change the path of your life completely. The people you meet. The job you have. Basically, your future. Your life. No pressure there or anything.

So am I crazy to think I may actually be figuring it out? Because if there's one thing I've learned to be a constant in life it's this: Things will never go as planned. Plans will change. People change. Life changes. In the blink of an eye. And that is one of the few things (I could probably count on one hand, it's that low of a number) that truly scares me in this world.

Do I dare plan? Do I dare dream?

Long Time, No Post

So, I know I only posted once over the summer. But now, summer is over and I'm going to make an effort to start up again.
My summer. It went by in the blink of an eye. But it was absolutely amazing. I got to be me and be me to the fullest. I got to love, be loved, travel, work with kids, sleep (quite a nice change for an insomniac), and feel something I haven't felt in a long time. Alive.
There are so many things I could focus on about the summer, but alas, the summer is over. The first week of school was pretty amazing, and my Theatre Arts 1 class gives me the same alive feeling, along with soccer. I haven't played in years, but these past few weeks have been rediscovering my love for the game.
I guess you could say that things have been going pretty amazing for me lately. Of course, there are other reasons for this, but it's not quite time to blog about that yet. Well, adios for now, whoever might come across this.

Delay

I realize that I haven't been posting very much lately. I'm not sure why this is. But a lot of things have been going on with me; some good, others... Not so much. And I'm sad to say that a lot of those things fall in that second column.
Unfortunately, I feel a friendship drifting away. It's sad for me when that happens, because I value my friendships deeply and take them seriously, which I hope all of my friends know. Once you're my friend, there's not much that will get you off that list, and it's hard for me to see you drift away. But maybe, for reasons I don't know, you're doing that on purpose. It used to be that you told me everything, yet now it's hardly anything. But it's like I said; I'm sure you have your reasons that maybe you don't even know yourself.
So while there are sad things in my life, my summer has recently begun and I plan to make the most of it. I'm going to live it up, doing what I can to live free and easy, even though it's often impossible in my life. I'm going to do some things I normally wouldn't and try some things I normally wouldn't. Because life is short, and you only get a few teenage summers. And I don't know about you, but I plan to enjoy mine. (:

Hurt

I'm always hurting someone. It's like I can't even turn around without doing it. It's never on purpose. But it always happens. Sometimes I see it coming, but there's nothing I can do to avoid it. Sometimes, maybe there is something I can do to avoid it but at the cost of what? My own happiness? Ugh, I sound completely self-absorbed and selfish. Looking back, I know I should have handled things differently. People say, "Oh you're young. You make mistakes. You'll bounce back. Just say you're sorry." But what if that person doesn't want to hear 'sorry?' What if that person is angry and hurt and has every right to be? Fact of the matter is, I'm young and stupid. Things like time and distance are difficult for me. I'm scared. It's so hard for me to trust thanks to people who have hurt me beyond repair. Therefore, I end up trusting the wrong ones and getting myself hurt, then not trusting the right ones and hurting them. And there is no excuse. I'm the one to blame. It's like I can never get anything right. I feel like my life is just one big mistake, and trust me, I have every reason in the world to feel that way. You may call it overreacting and wallowing in pity like a typical teenage girl, but I call it continuously screwing up until it becomes a pattern. I thought I'd done something right for once. But I thought wrong. Shocker there.

Failure

So I realize I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been busy, and when I haven't been busy I'm just so exhausted. But this is a short thought from something I wrote the other day. I didn't really elaborate on it because I'm just so tired. It kind of emphasizes what I think a lot of teens go through with pressure to succeed and all of that stuff. So here it is:

Failure.
Why do we worry so much about it?
What is the definition?
As long as I'm happy, does it really matter?

Thoughts

When thoughts wander off, what are you to do? Are you supposed to follow them where they go, or try to turn them around? Can you help what you think or is it all up to chance? This is something to ponder.
I think that to a certain extent, you can control what you think. Sometimes you can't control what pops into your head. On occasion, it is something that maybe needs to be thought, you just never knew it. Yet other times, you can and definitely need to control what you are thinking. You can also control whether or not you are going to follow those thoughts.
And about following thoughts. I think that some thoughts are meant to be followed; pondered. But sometimes, thoughts can be dangerous if you follow them. Escpecially the "what if's." Let me tell you from personal experience that quite often, those are not thoughts to follow if you are searching for any form of peace or contentment in this life. Unless you plan to act on those "what if's."
To sum it all up, sometimes I think you should follow thoughts. They can lead to new ideas and feelings that you never had before, which can be dangerous and mind-opening all in one. There are other times where thoughts will lead nowhere good, in which case you shouldn't follow them. Also, you can control what you think to some extent, although it can be very difficult at times. The question is, are you exercising that control?

So Here's a Little Bit...

I'm not starting off with anything super deep. These are two things that I wrote in August 2008, during a rough point in my life.

Here's the first one:

Completely lost as to what's going on
Only hanging on by one thread
Not understanding
Feeling frustrated
Used
Sad and hurting
In a lost state of mind
Only trying to figure out God's will
Not knowing where to turn

Here's the second:

Fed up
Really annoyed
Utterly in despair
So mad
Ticked
Ready to throw in the towel
Angry
Through
Exasperated
Done

So I know they're not the greatest, but it was a couple years ago, and it just kind of describes what I was feeling. So don't be too hard on me. (:

Decisions

So I'm trying to decide and I want some opinions. I kind of want to post some stuff that I've written in the past and even some stuff that I'm writing now. The only thing is, it's pretty personal stuff and I'm a bit nervous about putting stuff from so deep inside me out there for everyone to see. What do you guys think? Should I post some of it or not?

Security

Have you ever felt secure around someone? I'm not talking in that they're huge and can beat up anyone who tries to mess with you (although that may help sometimes). I'm talking this person just makes you feel safe when you're around them, or even thinking about them. You don't have to worry about them hurting you, or letting anyone else. You know that no matter what happens, you will always be able to call this person a friend and confide everything in them. You know that they will always be there to listen, no matter what the situation, whether they agree or not. You know that they won't judge you, even if they think you're wrong. They always know the right thing to say, and if they don't, the just show you that they're there. And they always will be, side by side, or half-way across the world.
Have you ever experienced something like this? And if you have, you should never let this person/friend/significant other/whatever the relationship go. No matter what.
...Right?

Fearless

If you were, what would you do? What are some of the things that you would give anything to do but are too afraid to? I am ashamed to say that I have quite a few. But there is one at the top of the list that I would give anything to be able to get off my chest but I can't.
I would tell him. I would let him know the hurt that he caused me. I would tell him the tears I shed on his account. I would make him aware that he almost killed me. I would shout at him. Scream that it kills me to see him going through his life a changed person without even realizing the pain he caused me, while the memories still haunt me.
That is just one of the things that I would do if I were fearless. What about you?

Thoughts on...

Law && morality.
They should be similes.
&& in some cases, they are.
Yet increasingly often, they're not.
Why is this?
I strive to comprehend.
Why can't those who rule over us follow their consciences && do what's right?
&& why can't we as the people in a democracy make a stand for what is right?
Just take a look at our generation.
Full of lazy, unambitious, apathetic people.
&& it's those of us that are going to work hard to make something of ourselves that will suffer.
For we are going to have to support those who can't be bothered to support themselves.
Those who are so ignorant that they think they deserve to be supported.
Why must we put up with it?
They shouldn't be able to put us through that injustice.
Law && morality.
It saddens me more each day how those things just don't mix anymore in our society.

From Deep Within...

So I've decided to take some risks and maybe post a few things that are from a bit deeper within me that I have been posting. So please don't be too harsh. (:
This is something I wrote a while ago. But can still be true on occasion. Here it goes:

When you asked me if I was okay and I said no
I didn't really mean it
I knew you didn't believe it
I felt your hurt
Hoped you felt mine
You are the reason
The reason I'm so hurt
So confused and betrayed
So broken and afraid

I've fallen into pieces right in front of your eyes
Yet you didn't see it
It was your hand that took my heart and broke it beyond all repair yet you didn't feel it

Now I can feel nothing
Nothing but pain
Now I can see nothing
Nothing but darkness
We were so close
But now so far
I've put a canyon between us
So you can't break me again

Today you didn't bother
Asking if I was okay
I guess it doesn't matter
Things will never be the same.

Laughter

I love to laugh.
To feel happiness bubbling up inside tho the point that I can't contain it && it overflows.
That's what genuine laughter is.
Overflowing happiness.
I laugh all the time.
Does that mean I'm always happy?
No, for I have plenty of sadness in my life.
It just means that I am able to push that sadness aside && look at the good in life.
&& laugh.
Always laugh.
Because what's life if you can't have fun?
So do it.
Make me laugh.
Make my day.

Time

It's a curious thing.
It moves so slowly,
Yet so quickly.
If you look at the small picture,
Such as a week,
It seems so slow.
But if you look at the big picture,
A year or a semester,
Time has flown by.
It's the same with change.
When you look at the day to day,
Everything seems the same for the most part,
While when you look further back,
The differences will make you marvel.
I guess it works kinda like life.
You have to look at the big picture to better see how things work.

Thinking about a lot of things, such as...

Peace.
Everyone wants it, but few actually have it.
Why is that?
Maybe we're looking in the wrong places.
Instead of looking to the source, some look to the future. && how is worrying about the future going to give you peace?
Some look in the past. But when you do that, you will look on mistakes && things you should have done differently && wistfulness is hardly peace.
Others still obsess about the new. But if you worry TOO much about getting everything done in this life, that won't bring peace.
Sure, seize every opportunity to live, but don't get so wrapped up in trying to live to the fullest that you actually miss out on life and the simple joys it brings.
Peace.
Everyone wants it, but few actually have it.

Bipolar

That's kind of how I feel right now. On the one hand, I'm so extremely happy because some things are just going so right in my life and I love it. I just heard the sound of my little brother's laughter as I was writing this, and the sound made me smile. Sometimes you just love the sound of other people's laughter.
On the other hand, I'm sad and a little remorseful. A friendship that means a lot to me seems to be fading away. And for someone who values their friendships like I do, that's a sad thing. Also, I'm in a situation that I know is going to end badly, but I can't stop myself from getting into. Or maybe I could, but I just don't want to. Because maybe that would hurt even more than the situation ending badly. Either way, it's getting to the point where it's too late to back out.
And finally, on a completely different topic, curiosity. I am so curious. It gets me in trouble quite often, and I have a feeling that it will be getting me in trouble again in the near future. Because I wonder what if. I'm sure others may not complain, but it's not always a good thing. I'm not talking dirty or anything like that, don't worry. Just a child-like curiosity at the what-ifs of life. And the curiosity burns inside me. But I know I shouldn't find out. Because when one thing leads to the other...

Depth Perception

Ever known that someone cares about you, but wondered how much? I have. I mean, you know that person cares, and you know how much you care about them, but sometimes, that just isn't enough. Sometimes you wanna know how much. And not just in words. In actions. And maybe, you know that they care, but not in what way. And you would give aynthing just to figure it out.
I guess I don't have a whole lot to say about this, except that everyone's been in this situation before, so I'm sure you know what it's like.

Confusion

Wow. I have so much going through my head right now that I think it might just explode. I don't even know how to begin processing it.
Why does it always seem that what you want is just out of your reach? And that if it were just a little bit closer and within reach, your life would be SO much simpler. I think that everyone can relate to me here.
But the complicated thing is that I have other options. And those options would make other people happy. The question is, would they make me happy? I suppose that if what I wanted wasn't dangling there, just out of reach, then one of those options would be fine. But it's not. And the other options just don't seem as good, even though they should be. Who knows? I could even possibly be happy if I chose another option. But do I want to try? Because things seem to be getting better and less out of reach. Ah, I'm just confusing myself now, so I know I must be confusing anyone that might be reading this. Okay, let me try to simplify.
I know what I want. But I don't know if what I want is within reach or at all possible.
And there are other options. But they're not what I want, although one option seems like it could be.
So basically, I'm driving myself crazy inside my own head.
Make sense?
I didn't think so either.

A Smile

You never know what could it could mean.
You never know what could be hiding behind it.
It could be as simple as someone smiling at the person behind the counter checking out their groceries.
It could be as simple as someone trying to cover up the fact that they're carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.
It's kind of become an expected thing, though. It's just like when you ask someone how they're doing, expecting the answer "fine," even though they may now be. And you don't want to see someone crying, because then you would have to care, and that would mean listening to their problems. But if you really care about someone, and you can look beyond the smile and see some of the weight of the world in their eyes, ask how they're doing and when they reply, "fine," ask how they're really doing. And listen. They may not wanna talk about it and that's fine. But they may want to talk about and just not know how. Some people know nothing but bottling their feelings in, because no one has cared enough to really ask how they're doing. So care. Ask. Listen, even when it's hard for them to talk.
So I know that this may not have made much sense to you. There wasn't much of a flow to it, but then again there's not always a flow to my thoughts. And these are the thoughts of a teenage gypsy state of mind.

13 Years Ago Today...

My baby brother was born.
13 years. Whoa. When did that happen?
13 years of trial and error.
13 years of anger and love.
13 years of fights and good times.
I don't know what to say. I don't think that any blog post can sum up 13 years with one of my best friends. Sure, about 50-75% of the time, we wanna kill each other, but the rest of the time, he gets me like no one else. He's been places I've been. He's seen things I've seen. He understands things no one else in this world could understand. The hurt. The sorrow. The love. The jokes. The secrets. the crazy parents. He's been by my side through it all. And I know that no matter what, no matter how huge the fight, no matter how nasty the words, he's still gonna be there to the very end. Because he's my brother. And I wouldn't change him for anyone in the world. He's probably not gonna see this, but I want him to know that I love him and that no matter what he does, no matter what trouble he's in, or no matter how bad he's hurt, I'll always be here for him. (:

Lately My Thoughts Have Been On...

One Man.
No, this isn't about some guy that I'm head over heels for.
This is about more than "some guy."
One Man. Could one man come and save all of humanity? Could one man die a death painful and excrutiating enough that it would cover every wrong that mankind has done?
Think about it. Not only every wrong that I have done (and there are a LOT), inlcuding every terrible thing, every lie, every hateful thought or word that has come out of my mouth, but every wrong of humanity.
The Rawandan Genocide.
Dhofar/Sudan.
9/11.
Sex slaves.
Broken marraiges.
Abusive relationships.
VA Tech Shootings.
Desert Storm.
Every lie.
Every curse.
Every bad decision.
Of every human that ever lived/ever will live on this planet.
Would one man be willing to suffer all of that for humanity? For me? To be rejected by most, ridiculed by many, of simply thought of as a "good man?" Could one man?
I think of myself and how selfish and self-seeking I am. I would never be willing to go through that kind of death for other people, especially if I wasn't going to get some sort of amazing recognition beyond all belief.
Especially if I was merely going to be ridiculed by most.
And it's not like this death is anything you've ever imagined ( www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crucifixion#Details I encourage you to look it up). It wasn't a quick and easy death. It was a slow, painful death. Imagine: Having a whip with broken pieces of glass being slashed into your back, over and over again. A crown of thorns pushed down into your head. Being spit on, laughed at probably kicked around, and publicly ridiculed. Having to carry a huge, wooden cross on your back for over a mile. Having nails driven into your hands and feet and being hung in a manner that eventually, after hours of torture, your lungs just exploded. I'm sure the splinters on the whole back side of your body would go completely unnoticed.
Would you do that for someone who would mess up time and time again? Someone who would scorn you, question you, and show utter ungratefullness to you? Well He did it for me. And I've done every one of those things to Him.
Talk about guilt. I can't even get my life together half of the time, when someone died a miserable, painful life just so I, little old I, didn't have to.
Talk about priority issues.
Okay, I'm done rambling. I've just had this on my mind lately and I'm going to leave you with one last thought.
If you could die in the place of someone who totally and completely deserved their death (think Hitler; Sadam Hussein) to give them a chance to get it right when chances are, they'd mess up more often than not, would you?
Could you?

So I've Been Thinking About...

Judgement.
It's kind of like advice.
So easy to give, yet so difficult to receive.
And I will admit, I've passed judgement on others far too many times.
But who am I to judge?
It's not my job.
I'm far from perfect.
So who am I to point out others' imperfections && tell them they're wrong when I have countless imperfections of my own?
&& I hate when others judge me.
Because, really, you have now idea where that person's been or what they've been through.
You don't know every little thing about their life && you never will.
They might have been through things you can't even imagine.
So think about this next time you're about to judge someone doing something you think is wrong or weird.
stop && think about your insecurities && whether or not you'd want someone to judge you based on those.

Just some more thoughts from my state of mind...

Me. You might find it weird, but oh well.

Teenage gypsy state of mind.
&& what does that mean, exactly?
Well, the first, teenage, is rather obvious.
But gypsy state of mind?
See, gypsy implies constantly on the move.
Change.
And that is what your mind should be doing.
Changing.
Opening up to new thoughts && ideas.
For there is so much knowledge to be learned, how could you think you have it all figured out?
&& not all knowledge is black && white.
Some is grey.
So don't be so obstinant with the grey, making it black && white. Open your mind to new developments.
I don't pretend to have all the answers, or really, any at all.
This is just the thought processing of a teenage gypsy state of mind.